This post is inspired by a conversation I recently had with sohwhat. I was complaining about my morning commute, during which, I said, I'd been sitting between a "leg-splayer" and a "nodder." sohwhat knew exactly what I meant by these Seinfeldian terms without any explanation.

Even when you travel on the subway from point A to point B, and from point B back to point A at about the same time every day, you never encounter the same people often enough for you to remember their faces or behavior. Therefore, you mentally divide the strangers into categories, the better to understand them. And so we have...

A Taxonomy of Subway Weirdos.

1. The Leg-Splayer. This is a guy who has splayed his knees out to the sides, causing him to take up two or even three seats. No matter how many people are stuck standing, he won't move his legs, perhaps because of the enormous size of his private parts. An advanced maneuver would be to plop into the seat next to him, hoping that this will induce him to quit it--not to be attempted in summer, because, if he won't move his legs, your thigh might actually be touching him.

2. The Nodder. This is usually an exhausted woman. She's trying valiantly to stay awake but failing. Her head droops farther and farther onto your shoulder or across your lap, then jerks up spastically before starting the process over. If you elbow her, she might start nodding off in the other direction, which is an improvement.

3. The Hand-Slider. Sometimes when the train is crowded, five or even more people might be holding the same pole. Each hand is about an inch above the next. Whether because of gravity, inattention, sweaty palms, or knit gloves, someone's hand starts sliding down the pole until it's touching yours. You can't slide your hand down because someone else's hand is there. The Hand-Slider's hand is overlapping yours more and more, and probably crawling with germs. Yuck! Why won't they move it?

4. The Pole-Leaner. This is a young lady who has wrapped her whole arm around the pole with her hand in her pocket and a heap of shopping bags around the pole. A bunch of people have just gotten on the train and need to hold the pole, but she's not moving. Solution: grab pole anyway just above the shoulder--this will invade her space enough that she might back off.

5. The Oblivious Singer. This is a guy with a walkman. It starts with toe-tapping and a faraway look. Before long, you start to hear him singing. "Oooooh, baby. Yeah, yeah. I got you girl," he'll croon tunelessly. This is an occasion when you might actually make bemused eye contact with other passengers. Is he aware that he's singing out loud? You've just got to hope that he'll get off soon.

6. The Coffee-Spiller. It doesn't matter that the Coffee-Spiller only rarely spills his or her coffee. This is a person who has a flimsy disposable coffee cup with its lid not on properly, as well as two bags and a newspaper, and who is trying to talk to his or her friend. Not paying any attention at all, they let their coffee cup tip and wave through the air, near your coat, bag, shoes, head, etc. You hope it's empty but you're convinced that you're going to get doused with flaming hot tar at any moment. It's actually worse in the summer, when their iced-coffee cup probably will drip condensation on you.

7. The Reason Why You Can Get a Seat. On some hot summer afternoon the train pulls up, and you see car after packed car go by. When it stops, the car nearest you is miraculously half-empty. You and others dash in and sit down, only to discover the reason: there is a person who smells so bad that previous passengers have made their way into other cars. Soon you will do the same.

8. The Ringtone-Tester. This is a young person who has just purchased a fancy new cellphone. Although there is no reception in the subway tunnels, they have turned on the phone so that they can try all 99 ringtones it came with. The phone starts out beebling "DEEDLE-EEDLE-EET!" goes through "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" and that obscure, cult hit "Hey Ya!" to various ballistic sound effects. He or she has to go through the list at least twice before committing to a ringtone.

9. The Surreptitious Onanist. Although I have not personally encountered this type, several friends have--it's not an urban legend. Say you are on an extraordinarily crowded train; for example, you are headed to a Yankees game. Everyone is pushed up against everyone else and you're looking up at the ceiling just in order to breathe. People push past you to get on and off at each stop, and everyone is rubbing up against each other as you struggle to maintain your balance. You are primarily concerned with keeping your purse close. You finally get off the train, and on your skirt--BLEACHCHCGHGHGHGH!!! Preventive tactic: glare indiscriminately at everyone around you.

10. The Imperturbable Torah-Reader. This is a man in a black hat who's reading a leather-bound Hebrew book with at least three concentric layers of commentary in the margins. Breakdancing children could be kicking him in the shins, or the train car itself could be on fire, and he would not look up. A transcendant state to which the rest of us aspire.